K Hole

The state of mind caused by taking large amounts of ketamine. the user becomes trapped in state of detatchment from their physical presence; the senses also become distorted, objects appear to move closer or further away resulting in the user's sight becoming fixed to one point, fearing looking away from that point as the distortions are disorientating and in the worst cases can cause nausea. the combination of these effects leave the user feeling trapped in a frozen state, as if stuck in a hole peering out; hence the expression 'K-Hole'. After experiencing the K-hole, users may feel enlightened or spiritually awakened. (Source: Urban Dictionary)

suddenly i was in a very bright room. too bright it was blinding. faces all familiar, smiling, laughing. then everything moved so slow…slower… till there was no movement at all. faces frozen, stuck with the smiles on their faces. "look at your arms, they're growing" someone said. as i looked at it, it grew in lengths and stretched away from me. then everything froze. it was like staring on an oil canvas. i am part of the canvas. i am one with the universe. then paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. confusion.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. voices: “relax. go with the flow. don’t fight it”. i screamed: deja vu! deja vu! deja vu!! paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. sadness.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. voices: “this is what life is. we are just part of the universe and its randomness. our fate and destiny has already been decided. WE MAKE NO CHOICES!” i replied: “if man makes no choices, therefore we have no free will to decide our own fate and destiny. and if man has no free will, what therefore is the purpose of god’s existence? god, therefore does not exist!” i wept and cried: “this is not real! this is not real!” paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. depression.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. glasses. flashes. familiar faces. voices: “relax. don’t fight it”. accept it”. i cried: “if god does not exist, therefore, i do not exist!”. paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. i am now part of the darkness. just a voice. i do not exist. immense grief. desperation. deja vu.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. i cried: “this could not be real! if i accept all these, i accept that my life has been insignificant, irrelevant. i cannot accept that my life is that of a leaf which has fallen from a tree, unnoticed, meaningless. i cannot accept this!” i screamed with all the strength left in my body: “i’m real! i’m real! i’m real!” paints melt. distortion. images blurry.

a chair! i need to grab on the chair. images fade. darkness. anguish. incensed! nausea! Deja vu!

i came back to reality weeping with a heavy heart. during the episodes of flashes, everything appeared to be predictable. i could still recognize the faces of my friends and everytime they would speak, I would know what they’re about to say. surprisingly, i can also predict how i would respond to them, probably the reason why I kept screaming “deja vu, deja vu!” it feels like I’ve been through all of it in the past. making me believe that all our actions are predetermined, not by our choices but by our fate. during the trance, scenes or flashes were repeated, giving me the impression that life is a cycle. we live, we perish and we live again. we are reincarnated not as another being but as ourselves. and everything we did in our past, will be repeated again in the future, in our next existence. but if everything repeats in the future, therefore, it seems man has no choice to make decisions of his own destiny.

after having dissected this experience it makes me realize how important “free will” is, which god has given to men, to all of us. we are all capable of making choices, what we want and what we don’t want for ourselves. Making choices is a great power and responsibility. how we make it defines our own destiny.


Note: This a re-post from my old blog dated February 13, 2007.

Semana Santa sa Puerto Galera (2003-2006)

Tuwing sumasapit ang Semana Santa ay nanariwa sa aking alaala ang mga panahong halos taon-taon ay tinutungo ko ang Puerto Galera. Taon-taon libo-libong tao ang dumaragsa sa lugar na ito. Nung una ko itong marating taong 2003 ay nadismaya ako sa lugar na ito. Mataas kasi ang aking inasahan rito. Puerto Galera, kay gandang pangalan. Akala ko ay mala-Boracay ito sa ganda. Subali’t ang nasilayan ko ay wala ni katiting sa aking inasahan. Ang buhangin ay mabato, masikip ang mga pasilyo, masyadong matao, mainit. Higit pa roon, ay ang mga abusadong may-ari ng mga resort na sobrang taas maningil kahit na ang itsura ng mga kwarto nila ay tulad lang ng mga motel dito sa Maynila. At kung maliligo ka sa dagat, kailangan mo mag-ingat at baka masagasaan ka ng mga bangkang maya’t maya ay dumaraong sa pampang. Bagama’t sa kabila nito, ay patuloy pa rin dinadagsa ang Puerto Galera.

Higit na nagpapaalab sa aking kuryusidad ay kung kailan nagsimula ang tradisyon na ang mga bakla ay gumagawi sa lugar na iyon tuwing sumasapit ang Semana Santa. At sa dinami-daming panahon upang magkatipon-tipon eh nataon pa sa Semana Santa. At sa kadahilanang ito, ang biruan nga ng mga tao eh ang Puerto Galera daw ay dapat ng tawaging Puerto Gamorrah. At kung lulubog nga daw ang isla, malamang ubos raw ang kabadingan sa kamaynilaan. Kung ang lugar lang ang pag-uusapan, hindi ko gusto at nanaisin pang bumalik sa Puerto Galera. Subali’t sa kabila nito, mula noong una kong pagkakatuntong sa lugar na iyon, muli ko itong binalik-balikan sa mga sumunod pang apat na taon. Hindi ang mga tanawin sa Puerto Galera ang naka-engganyo sa akin na balik-balikan ito. Ang mga bagay na nagaganap dito ang hinanap-hanap ko tuwing ako ay napapadpad sa Puerto Galera.

Biro nga ng isa kong kaibigan, para mo raw dinala ang Malate sa Mindoro. Tama nga naman, may alak, pareho ng musika ang tumutugtog, at pare-parehong mga mukha ang iyong mga makikita. Ang mga mukha ng mga taong makikita mo sa Malate, makikita mo rin sa Puerto Galera. Ang Semana Santa ay naging isang malawakang taunang pagtitipon ng mga bakla sa Puerto Galera. Nakakaaliw silang pagmasdan. Lahat may kani-kaniyang eksena. Pero higit na tumatawag sa aking atensyon ang pagbabagong makikita mo sa bawat isa sa kanila. Sa Puerto Galera, nawawala ang inhibisyon ng bawat nilalang.

Ganito ang karaniwang nagaganap sa aming magkakaibigan sa Puerto Galera. Sa pasimula ng gabi, kaming magkakaibagan ay pupwesto sa isang lugar malapit sa bar. Sa panahong ito ay marami kang kakilala na iyong makikita. Walang humpay na pakikipagtalastasan ang susunod na magaganap. Subalit paminsan-minsan sa pakikipag-usap mo sa kanila, ay hindi mo mawari kung tunay nga silang nakikinig sa iyo sapagka’t iyong mapapansin kung saan-saan napapadpad ang kanilang mga paningin. Habang nilulunod ng alak ang gabi, isa-isang nawawala ang aking mga kaibigan. Walang katiyakan kung babalik pa sila o kinabukasan na kami muling magkikita-kita. Palagi kong pinipiling manatili sa aking kinauupuan. Tamad kasi ako maglakad-lakad. Hindi ko rin kasi ninais tumungo sa batuhan o sa kweba dahil madilim ang mga lugar na iyon. Hindi mo malalaman kung si Bentot na ang humahaplos ng iyong katawan. Sa aking kinauupuan, pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat mukhang dumaraan sa aking harapan. Nanunuri, namimili. At sa pagdating nya, matiyaga kong hihintayin ang pagkakataong magtama ang aming mga mata. At sa pagkakatong ito, mauunawaan nya ang aking pagnanasa. At sa muling pagtama ng aming mga mata, nawawala ang ingay sa paligid. Di man bumigkas ng salita ang aming mga labi, ay may pagkakaunawaang nabubuo. Ang gabi ay muling bumabata. Isa na naman itong mapusok at mahabang gabi.

Kinabukasan sa aking pag gising, sari-saring kuwento ang aking naririnig mula sa aking mga kaibigan. Bawat isa ay may kani-kaniyang kuwento. At sa buong linggong pananatili namin sa Puerto Galera, ganito ng ganito ang mga kaganapan. Makalipas ang apat na taon, nakakasawa na, nakakapagod. Noong huli kong taong tumungo sa Galera noong 2006, habang kami ay lulan na ng bankang palayo sa isla, ay nasabi ko sa aking sarili na iyon na ang huling pagkakataon na babalik ako sa lugar na yaon. At mula nga noon ay hindi na ako nakabalik pa sa Puerto Galera. Ang mga alaalang iniwan sa akin ng Puerto Galera ay hindi ko malilimutan. Ito marahil ang dahilan sa tuwing sumasapit ang Semana Santa ay aking naalala ang Puerto Galera.

Photo credits:

1st photo: by Eugene Alvin Villar, 2006

2nd photo: camperspoint.com

3rd photo: http://en.wikipilipinas.org

Meeting the Icon: Imelda Marcos

If there is one political figure who will always fascinate me, it would be no one else than Imelda Marcos. An icon. Portrayed as the modern day Cinderella who later on, consumed with power, ironically, turned into an evil queen herself. The steel butterfly. A name which will be written and remembered forever in the annals of Philippine history.

My fascination with Imelda started when I was in grade school when our school right after the EDSA Revolution arranged a tour in Malacanang Palace. First thing I saw as I walk the stairs leading to the main hall that truly made an impression on me is the painting of Ferdinand and Imelda personified as Malakas and Maganda, a folklore said to have started the Filipino race. That was just the beginning. As we go further with our tour, the grandiose of Malacanang and her collection of perfumes, dresses and shoes totally overwhelmed me. Everything I saw truly fits for a queen. And yes, there was a tiara among the myriad of her jewelry collections. Tons of documentaries were made and shown on almost all television stations. The Marcoses were portrayed as the antagonist, the oppressors and of course, the Aquino’s, the heroes, our nation’s saviors. At such a young age, I grew up believing all those stories told about the Marcoses. I grew up hating them. I blame them for our bad economy. I blame them for every poor Filipino. I blame them for everything. Yet for some reason Imelda continues to fascinate me. Her beauty. Her style. Her taste. Her shoe collection. Her life story. Everything about her fascinates me.

A month ago, I received a surprise call from my friend. He told me that he was able to set up an appointment with Mrs. Marcos for me to meet her personally. He used to work for her as an apprentice while finishing his law school after Imelda returned to the Philippines. He now works as a lawyer for the government, at the Office of the Solicitor General. I never really thought he could pull out this one. I was dying to meet her. Who wouldn’t? I have two coffee table books about the Marcoses, one specifically created to chronicle her 10 day visit to China in 1978 and I would love for her to sign them.

Our appointment was at 3pm. We arrived at the Batasang Pambansa half an hour early. By 2:45pm, the personal aide of Mrs. Marcos arrived, welcomed and led us to a hall where a congressional hearing was taking place. When we entered the room, my attention naturally gravitated towards her. There she was, Imelda. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her given other notable personalities were also present. Among them were Gina de Venecia, Lani Mercado, Lucy Torres, and their guest Sec. Dinky Soliman who at that time was discussing to the legislators the Conditional Cash Transfer program of the Aquino administration implemented through her agency, the DSWD. We were ushered to our seat. As I was staring at her aged face, I tried as much as I could to remember everything I know about her. I tried to picture in my mind her beauty when she was young. Ah yes, beauty does fade with time but there’s still something in her that captivates me. At one point of the discussion, she was given the floor to speak. And she spoke about that time when she was still the First Lady. She told the story how the reclamation area in Manila came about. How she tried to address the concerns of the homeless and the plight of the poor people of Manila. She talked in lengths, enumerating the accomplishments of the Marcoses. To this time, Imelda is still living in her own realities.

And then the moment I’ve been waiting for came, time to be introduced to Mrs. Marcos. I was hoping to spend more time with her and make her tell stories during the days of the Marcos era. But that did not materialize for she had to go to the Plenary and her aides were rushing her to proceed immediately. I was briefly introduced to Imelda and had our picture taken. While shaking hands with her, I tried to feel the touch of her hands, tried to feel the magic that made even the strongest and wisest men bow to her. Until I realized, it was far beyond the limits of magic spell, it was her natural charisma. She’s indeed very charismatic. I could just imagine how many politicians swooned over her during her younger years, and that of course as we all know includes Ninoy. Imagine having all that charisma and beauty? She’s indeed Marcos lethal weapon. If I were an opposition at that time, I’d probably be like Perseus who’d kill her but would not attempt to look at her face frightened her stare might turn me into stone. Yes, the meeting was indeed brief but it was a date with history.

Her rise from her humble beginning to power is unremarkable. How she controlled Ferdinand Marcos was like watching Samson yielding to Delilah or Adam surrendering to the whims of Eve, or Julius Caesar to Cleopatra. All these great men fell because of women. Yes, Ferdinand was no exception. During the latter years of the Marcos era, about 3 or 5 years prior EDSA, Ferdinand was already weak debilitated by a kidney ailment. He can barely attend his cabinet meetings, much more pay attention to Imelda as she was running our country by herself. Imelda emerged as the government main public figure, unofficially, the 11th president of the republic. It was probably this reason why Enrile said in one of his interviews, “There would be no EDSA, if there’s no Imelda”.

My fascination does not however translate to admiration; allow me please to make such point. My fascination of Imelda did not blind me of the fact that indeed many Filipinos suffered during their time from oppression and abuse. Billions of dollars were ransacked from the coffers of our nation which could have provided livelihood to every hungry Filipinos. Her name may indeed be marked forever in our history but unfortunately not for the right and good reasons. However, history maybe unkind towards her but time will be forgiving. When Singapore gained its independence from Malaysia, it only took them 20 years to position themselves as one of the wealthiest in our region. Japan rehabilitated itself from the atomic bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima for only 15 years to be the number one economy in Asia. And yet after 25 years since EDSA, our economy has not really grown. We remain as an impoverished nation. Do we still blame the Marcoses for that? Every single president elected after EDSA was no different. Not one was spared from corruption scandals; one was even convicted of plunder. We continue to tolerate corruption, a disease that continues to weaken our democratic institutions and our economic gains. There is no one now to be blamed but us. For years, even to this moment, the Marcoses have become our scapegoat to excuse ourselves of our impotence to move this country forward. It’s time that we own up to our mistakes and responsibilities.

2011 NATGEO Earth Day Run

I was looking forward to the 2011 NATGEO Earth Day Run as it will be the second time I’ll be joining a Fun Race. The first time was a month ago when I competed in the 5K run of the Race Against Trafficking (RAT Race) held at McKinley Hill, Taguig. I intended to break my personal record of 24:50 in the NAT GEO 5K run. But something unexpected happened. During the registration, we were told that the 5K slots have already been filled up. As such only 10K and 21K slots are available. I was in total disbelief. I’ve set my goal already for the 5K run. In fact, I’ve already been training for it. But I really wanted to run. So I said, BRING IT ON!!! And so, I registered that day for the 10K race.

All in all, there were about 10,000+ participants. 10K race is something unimaginable for me at that time. I can finish a 5K run, yes, but after finishing it, I’d be panting like a dog. Simple math would tell us, 5K is just half of the 10K run. I could only shake my head and say, “bahala na!” When I registered I had at least three weeks to prepare. But I continued running only 5K as my body would only allow me to go that far. 3 days prior to the race, I forced myself to complete the 10K. I finished with a time of 1hour and 7minutes. My body was numb after the run. I felt my chest will explode. But I felt a sense of relief knowing that indeed I can finish it no matter what. I checked my time versus results from previous races and I saw that my time would at least put me at the upper half of the runners ranking. But I wanted to do better. I set my goal finishing it at least below 60 minutes. The following day (2 days before the race), there was an event here at work. I completely and intentionally forget about the race and just allowed myself to have a good time. I got home drunk. So the day prior to the race, I was nursing myself from hang over and dehydration.

The Singlet

Race Day!

I woke up at around 3am. Assembly time is at 4:30 and Gun time is at 5:30. I wanted to be at Fort early and avoid being late (as I usually do). I was relaxed when I got there even though I know I’m not in my top condition. I still feel a bit dehydrated. And I’ve been lacking sleep the past 2 days. At that time, I reset my goal and just aim to finish the race. Shown below is the 10K race route.

And my time as logged in my phone application:

Date: 04/10/2011

Run Distance: 10.09 kilometers

Time: 0 hr 55 min 29 secs

Average pace: 5:34 min/kilometers

Route: Route - 2011-04-10 Route link: http://www.logyourrun.com/showroute/OwNlFKJiPFKybq

Shoes: Nike Calories: 790

I was able to finish the race with a time of 55 minutes. A good time indeed and placed me in the Top 150 out of 3,000 plus runners. But I wasn’t too happy about it coz in the middle of the race, I walked! The effect of the past 2 days I did prior to the race really caused me to suffer. I burned out quite easily. I got so frustrated at that time coz the thought of walking a running race is only what a looser will do. Yes, I’m kinda hard on myself. But still, I’m looking forward to my next race. I’m glad running has already been fully integrated in my workout program. I go to the gym MWF and running TTH. In two months’ time, I already lost almost 9 pounds. Now I weight 144lbs. Though I lost a lot of muscles as well. My built became leaner as compared to before. Need to consult a trainer how I could gain some of it back even as I continue with running. During the race I realized what I still need work on. On top of the list is my endurance. So I made a resolution that from then on I would quit smoking, drinking, and well, partying. So will I? Nope! Not in a million years! Bleh!! LOL!

Unexpected Decision

My Diega

A few months ago, I started bringing my dog, Diega, in my apartment here in Laguna. I do have my own place in Manila but I rent an apartment here since I work around this area. A decision made out of convenience and practicality. Driving daily from Manila to Laguna and vice versa is too exhausting. Anyway, at that time, Diega was having behavioral problems and so I thought it would be best to separate her from my other dogs; and so started my problems with my landlady. Like me, she also loves dogs. She has two and both are Japanese Spitz. The weirdest things is, I’ve been living with them (in the same compound) for 7 years now, yet those dogs still can’t recognize me as they would bark at me everytime they see me. The situation got even worse when I started bringing Diega home with me. Now, they want a piece of me. All fangs out, they would attack me more ferocious than before. My landlady observed this and talked to me about it. She told me that because of Diega, her dogs are getting more aggressive and wild. As such, she said, I can’t take Diega anymore with me. I was pissed when she told me about it. Actually furious! But ok, fine. So I made a decision. I’ve decided to just move out and look for a place where I can bring any of my dogs anytime I want.

Amaia Scapes Laguna by Avida

Last week, while browsing the internet looking for any room here to rent something crazy happened. I suddenly had a thought. I said to myself, I might as well get my own place instead of spending money paying rent! And so, the following day, I talked to an agent and visited the property I find quite promising. After inspection and discussion with the agent, I signed a few papers and paid the downpayment. I left the place, smiling and shaking my head in disbelief. Dang! I said to myself. Here I am again, the impulsive buyer! I just bought a house like I bought a shirt from a shop. Now, I have two house mortgages to pay! LOL! I guess a new car would have to wait for another 3 years. When I told my friends about it, they were all laughing. They couldn’t believe what I’ve done. They told me, when you intend to buy a house, you plan it. And for a lot of people, it takes years of planning, making sure your finances are stable and ready when you make that decision. But it took me only a day to make mine. Anyway, the property is not really that expensive. I have my rent money anyway to pay for its monthly amortization. And its’ not yet my dream house either. That one, I’m really planning for it. I’m looking at building it in Tagaytay or anywhere there is a very nice beachfront. Coz it’s there, in my dream house where I plan to retire.

Bungalow Pod (Perspective)

Model Unit

Photo of the actual property I bought sent to me by my agent. As you can see, the house is under construction. Need to do the actual visit myself. =)

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you just have to take things as they come. You assess them but never over analyze. If years ago, I would not have taken some risks, I would not have my own car by now. I would not have my own house in Manila now. Taking risks is what makes life exciting, challenging and at times difficult. But it’s only when we take risks that we achieve greater things. So don’t be afraid! Who would have thought a simple dog problem led me to buying my own house. LOL! Have a great week everyone! Carpe Diem!