suddenly i was in a very bright room. too bright it was blinding. faces all familiar, smiling, laughing. then everything moved so slow…slower… till there was no movement at all. faces frozen, stuck with the smiles on their faces. "look at your arms, they're growing" someone said. as i looked at it, it grew in lengths and stretched away from me. then everything froze. it was like staring on an oil canvas. i am part of the canvas. i am one with the universe. then paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. confusion.
flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. voices: “relax. go with the flow. don’t fight it”. i screamed: deja vu! deja vu! deja vu!! paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. sadness.
flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. voices: “this is what life is. we are just part of the universe and its randomness. our fate and destiny has already been decided. WE MAKE NO CHOICES!” i replied: “if man makes no choices, therefore we have no free will to decide our own fate and destiny. and if man has no free will, what therefore is the purpose of god’s existence? god, therefore does not exist!” i wept and cried: “this is not real! this is not real!” paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. depression.
flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. glasses. flashes. familiar faces. voices: “relax. don’t fight it”. accept it”. i cried: “if god does not exist, therefore, i do not exist!”. paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. i am now part of the darkness. just a voice. i do not exist. immense grief. desperation. deja vu.
flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. i cried: “this could not be real! if i accept all these, i accept that my life has been insignificant, irrelevant. i cannot accept that my life is that of a leaf which has fallen from a tree, unnoticed, meaningless. i cannot accept this!” i screamed with all the strength left in my body: “i’m real! i’m real! i’m real!” paints melt. distortion. images blurry.
i came back to reality weeping with a heavy heart. during the episodes of flashes, everything appeared to be predictable. i could still recognize the faces of my friends and everytime they would speak, I would know what they’re about to say. surprisingly, i can also predict how i would respond to them, probably the reason why I kept screaming “deja vu, deja vu!” it feels like I’ve been through all of it in the past. making me believe that all our actions are predetermined, not by our choices but by our fate. during the trance, scenes or flashes were repeated, giving me the impression that life is a cycle. we live, we perish and we live again. we are reincarnated not as another being but as ourselves. and everything we did in our past, will be repeated again in the future, in our next existence. but if everything repeats in the future, therefore, it seems man has no choice to make decisions of his own destiny.
after having dissected this experience it makes me realize how important “free will” is, which god has given to men, to all of us. we are all capable of making choices, what we want and what we don’t want for ourselves. Making choices is a great power and responsibility. how we make it defines our own destiny.
Note: This a re-post from my old blog dated February 13, 2007.
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