Love Confession: Justin

It was just one of those boring nights when I was glued to the computer browsing the net, killing time. I wasn’t aware that such night would start a story of friendship and of love that was never meant to be. It started in March 2006 and during that time, Facebook doesn’t exist yet and Friendster is the king of social network. So while randomly browsing profile pages of various people, by chance, I came upon his profile page. I froze and was blown away. I’m not sure if it’s possible but it seemed like it was love at first sight, if you can call it that. Everything about him was so beautiful; his face, eyes, lips, built, just everything. I know it’s crazy to feel that much intensity to someone you have never even met. Even, I couldn’t believe it myself. It took me two weeks of daily checking his profile before I was finally able to muster enough courage to send him a message. The funny thing is, I can’t even tell if he’s gay or not. His profile page doesn’t say or imply so. But what the heck! Even with so much hesitation, I did it.

April 8, 2006
Me:
such beautiful eyes....

nice and interesting profile. i love to travel
alot myself. anyway, just dropping you a note to say
hi..well,.. HI. there I’ve said it. =). keep it cool. just give
me a buzz if ur not busy or anything. =)

April 9, 2006
Justin:
ey thanks. actually i havent updated anything on
my profile yet. there are so many things to write about
but i guess im too lazy and not really in the
mood for it.. hehehe

I was hoping but not expecting a reply from him. I was ecstatic. Even if it was just one simple note, it made me smile from ear to ear. After that, we exchanged few more casual messages; nothing special really. But those casual messages have more meaning to me than it should. Every word written for me was special to the point I can memorize every lines in his note. I tried as much as I can to be discreet about how much I like him, scared I might scare him away. Yet still, one day, he just stopped replying to my messages. After two unanswered messages, I gave up. Maybe he’s just wasn’t interested.

After months have passed; I read his post on his profile about losing his mobile phone. Out of sheer curiosity I sent him a message testing whether he would still recognize me and reply back.

August 8, 2006
Me:
too bad you lost your phone. tsk tsk tsk.
anyway, just dropping by to say hi! take care bro.
keep it cool!

Justin:
ey, nice to hear from you again. hows it going? yeah, ur
right, rub it in... =) just kidding. hehehe actually,
kinda difficult since i didn't backup my contacts.
haaay. ey, thanks for keeping in touch.

what's keeping you busy?

August 11, 2006
Me:
everything is kinda crazy for me right now. we'll be having
our certification audit next week and i'm the lead person of
our company. its gonna be a make or break for me. hehehe.

well, i lost my phone before. and it sucks. specially
the contact information of people you know that goes with it.
so i've learned my lesson. from then on i started backing
up everything in my organizer.

hey, its been a while since the last time we've
written to each other. how are things doing in your end?
how's work? well, i hope everything's fine. =)

Justin:
I kinda understand what you're going through.
I used to do be the lead for the IT department
in my previous work. And when the company
went for ISO certification, my work doubled and
most of it involved documenting everything.
haay. Buti nalang gang dun lang ang part ko. hehehe.
I know kaya mo yan, kaw pa. Naks!

well, you're right about the contacts. What really
sucks is when people text you and you ask them
who they are(in a nice of course). Naku may
nagtatampo pa, tapos I ended up telling the same
story over and over and over and over ... =)

it's been a while since our last message. Busy eh. =)
I went to Malaysia last weekend to climb Mt. Kinabalu.
A tough climb but it was all worth it. I'll upload my pics as soon as I can.
lets have coffee sometime. Maybe after your iso certification.

Good luck and take care.

August 15, 2006
Justin:
Justin wants to brighten your day with a smile. Check out Justin’s profile and send a reply.

A message from Justin:

Ey, is it your birthday? I was thinking of sending you a flower.. hehehehe. But I guess a smiley is enough. Happy Birthday.

August 16, 2006
Me:
the flower is not a bad idea actually, much better if its from mt kinabalu.. but, yeah, i think smiley would do. thanks. ehehehe. ang kulit noh? hehehe. anyway, my bday was last aug. 5. but, thanks for the greetings. as they say, better late than never. =).

its almost 1 am and i'm still here at work. as a matter of fact, i'm the only person left here at the plant. i'm freaking out. few hours from now is the start of the 3 stressful days of audit certification. argh!!! it makes me feel like i'm taking the board exam again. anyway, finishing touches na lang naman ginagawa ko. i just want to make sure things will run smoothly later.

anyway, need to get back to work. hopefully makauwi na ako in an hour. hehehehe. wish me luck bro!!

ingat!

August 16, 2006
Justin:
whoa!

still working? rest for a while buddy. Remember the saying, "All work and no play, makes Jack a psychotic serial killer." buti nilang di jack pangalan mo. hehehe (corny alam ko.) anyway, I know you can pull it off with flying colors.

anyway, pardon my late greetings. Ala ako ng mga araw na nag birthday ka. nasa Kota kinabalu ako eh. =) anyway, I wish i can bring some of the fauna I saw in Mt. Kinabalu. But I can't. Protective area kasi yun, being a World Heritage site. Hayaan mo next akyat ko hanap ako ng bulaklak para sayo. LOL!

August 18, 2006
Me:
I passed the certification!!! Hahaha! its gonna be a long weekend celebration for me. pero ngayon ko pa lang nararamdaman pagod ko. Hehehe. can't wait to go home and rest. magkulong sa room at matulog maghapon. hahahaha. o ayan tapos na certification ko, prolly we can have coffee na. ;P. anyway, Justin, thanks for the encouragement. i really appreciate it. have a great weekend and hope to hear from u soon! take care!

Justin:
Naks! Sabi ko na nga ba eh, mapapasa mo yan eh. Anyway, it is time to rest your body and soul. =) Pahinga kanaman, I know you've been working for sooo many hours these past few days. Nararapat na ipahinga mo ang pagal mo nang katawan. hehehe

Yes, as I promised we'll meet for coffee. or better yet over a cold beer? Let's celebrate! Teka do you drink? if beer doesn't catch your fancy, we can have a nice cold iced tea. =) anyway, just tell me if you gotten enough rest already. Lets just plan it sometime. okay. Just holler back.

Better get going, have to go the gym.

Take care

August 22, 2006
Me:
times like this, beer is definitely better than coffee! we both have reasons to celebrate. mine is my certification, yours, is your mt kinabalu climb. i wanna hear your stories din about your climb. let me know if you're free this weekend or kung kelan ka free. sang area ka ba malapit? lets meet somewhere convenient for both of us.

anyway, i was able to go out last saturday night. 10am na ako nakauwi the following day. hehehehe. the rest of the weekend, well, i stayed home and rest. hahahaha. i plan to take a long vacation in october. prolly go to bohol or camiguin. i deserve something like that. anyway, need to get back to work. take care Justin!

Justin:
I'll drink to that. There are so many reasons to celebrate. Basta't may malamig na San Miguel Beer, kahit ordinaryong nagiging engrandeng okasyon. hehehe. Mahahabang inuman ito.!!!! hehehe Anyway, I'm from mandaluyong, I work in Manila so between that area I'm good. Okay din ang San Juan, Pasig, QC or Makati. so saan ang midway natin? I'll be in bohol this weekend, so can we have it next weekend? I'm usually free friday night and saturday night. Either day is okay with me. watcha think?

August 28, 2006
Me:
sorry for the late reply. i was out of the office the past 2 days auditing one of our suppliers in quezon. bohol ka naman pala this weekend. naiinggit naman ako. anyway, lets set our drinking session saturday next week (if ok with you). half way natin is QC but i wouldnt mind trying out san juan or pasig. di rin naman kasi ako masyado nakakagimik sa area na yon so that would be a change. san ba ok don? basta sa akin, may beer at masarap na pulutan at kwentuhan ayos na! tulad nga ng sabi mo, mahabahabang inuman ito! hehehehe. kaya magbala ka na nga mga kwento mo. hahaha. anyway, dinner na muna ako. mahabahabang kainan to. gutom na gutom na ako eh. hehehe. take care Justin!!

Justin:
i just came back from bohol. Ang ganda. I really enjoyed bohol, the beach, the food, the snorkelling site. If you're into diving, bohol is the place to be. I bet you'll enjoy it. As for me, i love to come back to bohol. and I make it sure that I'm into diving already. I love to tell you more but i need some rest din. Anyway, I can tell you more next saturday in our inuman session. hahaha. Speaking of which, sa QC na lang. para di naman malayo sayo. Though ala akong alam masyadong inuman sa qc, except sa pier one. anyway, I guess mas gala ka sa akin. So you choose. So see you next saturday. take care buddy.

September 1, 2006
Justin:
Justin wants to brighten your day with a smile. Check out Justin's profile and send a reply.

A message from Justin:
ey see you tomorrow buddy!

I arrived early in our meeting place. I was really nervous. I’m not an insecure person, but love often makes me feel that way. “Am I good enough for him? Will he like me? Do I look good? Why don’t you shut the fuck up and stop pestering yourself and just enjoy this moment!” A few minutes later, he was there, standing in front of me, flashing his beautiful smile, green shirt hugging his lean muscular body. I swear I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful. My confidence went from eight to zero. “Hi, I’m Justin” he said. We shook hand and I felt a tinge of electricity flowed in my body. Once seated, we ordered our drinks and started our conversation. We talked about a lot of things. His recent mountain climbing adventure in Kota Kinabalu, books, my passion for diving, our families, cooking, we talked almost about everything. And all that time, I couldn’t help but stare at him. He’s just damn too good looking for me. Confidence level went further down zero to negative. We stayed till 4 am drinking till we decided to part ways. It was wonderful a night. I think I handled myself pretty well. When I got home, I received a text message from him telling me how much he enjoyed the night and that he’s looking forward seeing me again. I almost fainted. I don’t know if it’s because of alcohol or because of what he said. I was in heaven.

After that night, we became more comfortable with each other. From then on, we would regularly text each other. Everything started to happen and feel so natural. But even with all these things happening, I never assumed anything about how he feels for me. I kept telling myself, He’s just being nice. Maybe he really just wants you to be his FRIEND. Yes, I was crazy in love but I tried to keep in touch with reality. Reality somehow held my sanity. We regularly met after our first meet-up. Usually, every two to three weeks. And then after 3 months of regularly going out, one night, we decided to drive to Tagaytay. With bottles of beer loaded in my car, we parked somewhere along the road beside a cliff overlooking Taal Volcano. We stayed in the car just talking and listening to our favorite music, until he took my hand and held it. It caught me by surprise but he continued talking as if nothing happened. I too never bothered to ask why. I realized there are things better left unspoken and just let things happen and enjoy as they happen. Maybe I was scared too not to get the answer I’d want to hear. So we were just there, talking while holding each other’s hand. I wanted so much to kiss him. I badly wanted to. But I held back for I was never really sure of how he feels for me. That night left me so confused.

The following meet-up, he asked me to sleep over at this place. I said yes. When we got to his place, he immediately headed to shower. Afterwhich, he lent me a boxer short and shirt so I could change as well. When I walked out of the bathroom, he was already lying on his bed and asked me to lie down beside him. Then the lights went off. While lying on my back, he suddenly embraced me while murmuring the words, “I feel cold”. Few seconds later his lips were locked against mine. One by one, our clothes started to drop on the floor till we were both naked. It was I who went down first, thinking, if it was just a dream, then I want get on to that part where I can feel I finally own him before I awake and realize none of it was true. I couldn’t believe what was happening. As I feel the warmth of his fullness as it touches my lips and slide down my throat the more I realized how crazy I am of him. I wanted him. I wanted all of him. And as he fills my mouth, moving in and out, I couldn’t help but stare at his face with his eyes half open, staring back at me. Those eyes, those haunting beautiful eyes. After a few minutes of savoring the warmth his manhood, he guided me to slide towards his face till mine is directly in front of him. I was there, on top of him, looking down as he lays on his back and hungrily sucking my soul. I was going mad. Just looking at his beautiful face as his lips play with my fullness is driving me insane. It was such a beautiful sight. Suddenly, I felt the urge to kiss those lips again. We kissed till we can’t control the intensity no more. He searched for my hardness again and I searched for his till we were both in a position giving and accepting pleasure at the same time. It was precious. It went on till we both exploded in each others mouth; sucking each others sweetness down to the very last drop. He held me after that and kissed me. I wanted to say I love you yet again, I held back. But, I was happy. I couldn’t ask for more. Who would have thought I would end up where I was with a man who months ago, was just someone I thought I could have only in my dreams? I slept under the warmth of his embrace. We woke up the following morning, making love all over again.

There have been few changes in the months that followed after that night we made love. We continued to see each other regularly, except this time, making love has become part of our routine. Also, from then one, every morning, without fail, the first text message I would receive is from him. We even started calling each other baby. Yet, again, we never really talked about our situation, much more, our feelings for each other. It bothered me. We were acting like lovers yet I know I have no hold over him. I was really in love with him and I wanted to have that sense of ownership over him. But I was scared to spoil whatever we have at that time. That is why I never had the courage to ask him. I was contented yet I wanted more. Our relationship went on like that. And then I met Alvin.


To be continued.

25 Random Things About Me

1. I used to believe in Santa. Until one day, I saw the receipt of the watch in my mom’s drawer I thought “Santa” gave me.

2. I was an altar boy when I was a kid. I had the opportunity to serve for the late Jaime Cardinal Sin.

3. First country I ever visited outside the Philippines was Malaysia. The last one is USA (last year)

4. Batanes is my most favorite place in the Philippines. It has everything. Gorgeous landscape (jaw-dropping), and the culture well preserved. It’s a must for all who love to travel.

5. I’m a frustrated painter.

6. I’m not very fond of chocolates. As a matter of fact, I hate chocolate ice cream!

7. I’ve had many car accidents. I’ve lost track how many.

8. I was a university athlete when I was in college. Event: Taekwondo. I enjoy other sports as well: Tennis, Bowling, Chess and Badminton.

9. I’m such a sucker for world records (Usually in sports , F1, Tennis, etc). Most number of this and that!

10. There are only about 5 websites I visit every day; Inquirer. Net, chessbase.com, facebook.com, blogspot.com and flickr.com

11. I’m used to be addicted to facebook online games: Metropolis, Mafia war and Texas HoldEm

12. I love to read. Books, magazines, newspaper, everything!

13. I usually get into trouble coz I don’t know how to say NO!

14. Photography is my passion.

15. I can never sleep without a pillow under my head.

16. I had a short stint with the Thomasian Debaters Council until I shifted to the UST Taekwondo Team.

17. Gaining weight for me is as difficult as for those who are trying to lose weight.

18. I can spend the entire day inside a bookstore or in a library!

19. I listen to all kinds of music. R&B, Hip-Hop, Blues, Jazz, House, Trance, Classical, Country, Rock, etc.

20. I like long drives especially when I’m down. Pagudpod anyone? =)

21. I love my work!

22. I'm so good at procrastinating. I do get in alot of trouble because of that.

23. I hate receiving forwarded messages, thru e-mail and most especially thru text! It’s so annoying!

24. I love to eat but I don’t usually experiment or try out new things. I would always order the same thing.

25. I love watching reality TV. =)

.

My Top 7 Dream Destination

One of the things I am passionate about is to travel. I love going to different places, exploring, learning. So let me share to you places I dream of visiting one day.

Santorini, Greece
When I first saw this place featured in a movie (which I have completely forgotten), I immediately fell in love with it. The structures built and painted mainly in white and blue in this historic volcanic island overlooking the Aegea Sea is indeed a sight to behold . Its architecture fascinates me. Have you heard the myth about Atlantis? Well, various archeological findings suggest that Santorini is the lost civilization of Atlantis. Cool huh?

Kruger National Park, South Africa
I love adventure. The closest thing to the African safari I’ve ever experienced is when I visited the Calauit Safari Park in Busuanga, Palawan. Well, I enjoyed it a lot. It gave me a different feeling being one with all the animals freely roaming in it. The downside is there are only limited species of animals in the Calauit Park. One can only see zebras, giraffes, and deers. Let’s just say, I craved for more and that’s the reason why African Safari is definitely part of my dream destination list.

Paris, France
When I was growing up, I would read volumes of encyclopedia at home. One of the things that fascinates me the most are pictures of artworks created by the masters, Leonardo da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Picasso, Van Gogh, etc. I am in love with Art. As a matter of fact, I have a replica of Piscasso’s The Lecturer hanging in my living room. And where else can one find repository of all the greatest works of the greatest artist who ever lived than in the Louvre Museum in Paris, France.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Have you ever felt the Latin heat? I have always been in awe of Latin dance and music. The passion and energy which define their music is what draw me to it. I would like to understand the inspiration behind all these. And Brazil, as I understand, is the seat of Latin culture.

Kyoto, Japan
I was deeply saddened with the recent tragedy that struck this country. For one, many of its citizens were affected by this catastrophe and the other; I was actually bound to visit Kyoto this year. It seems like with the recent development, the trip would have to be postponed indefinitely. The Japanese way of life has always fascinated me. Their culture is truly unique from the rest of the world. And that is the reason why I want to visit Japan, to understand and learn more about their culture. If you've read or watched the movie Memoirs of a Geisha, Kyoto, up to this day is said to be the capital of Geisha. As I was told by a friend who recently visited Kyoto, Kyoto continues to preserve its way of life amidst the challenges of modernization which is sweeping Japan. The only time I get to set foot in Japan (only at the airport actually!) is when I go to the States and have to stop over either in Nagoya or Narita. I hope they would recover soon. And hopefully not in a so distant future, I’ll be able to finally visit this country.

Great Barrier Reef, Australia
I am into diving. So that pretty sums up the reasons why I want to go to the Great Barrier Reef. Great Barrier Reef is said to be the world’s largest reef and home to thousands of aquatic species. The area is also recognized as World Heritage Site by the UNESCO.

Jerusalem, Israel
The place where one can fulfill a truly meaningful spiritual journey. This is where it all began; the birthplace of my Faith.

Keeping a Reef Tank

Last March 20, Toni and I went to Metrowalk to buy some DVDs. On our way to the DVD stalls we decided to pass by an aquarium shop to check out their display. And there, we saw this beautiful nano reef (15 gallons) tank complete with accessories (lighting, pumps and filters), corals and reef fishes. It was really beautiful. I’m into diving. I’m actually a certified diver. So you could just imagine how much excitement I felt when I saw that beautiful tank. Out of curiosity I asked the storekeeper if it’s really difficult to maintain a reef tank. He said, no, and water change needs only be done once a month (at least 20% of tank volume), and general cleaning, once a year. And then I asked about feeding the corals and fishes. He showed me a bottle and told me that I only need to give them a capful of that liquid once a day and that’s it. I couldn’t believe it was that simple. I’ve heard so much about keeping a reef tank how difficult and expensive to maintain one. But based on my conversation with the storekeeper, it appears it’s even simpler compared to freshwater tanks. So right there and then, I decided to buy it. Complete set at PhP 25,000.

My 15 gallon reef tank

Three days after, the corals died. I asked myself what have I done wrong? So I took the bottle given to me by the storekeeper and read everything written on its label. It was a bottle of iodine. I learned from the label that iodine does not actually serve as a food for the corals but only acts as a supplement. And there was a notice warning. Dosing should be done properly and precautionary measures should be taken so as to avoid overdosing the tank. There was a dosing instruction and based on my computation, I should be dosing only 0.3ml of that solution once a week as compared to the capful, approximately 5ml daily dosing of that solution to the tank! F*ck! I poisoned my corals! I wanted to kill that storekeeper but can I really blame him? I should have read the instruction on the bottle in the first place. So, ok fine let’s just charge it to experience.

That following Sunday, we went to Cartimar to replenish our stocks. We bought new set of corals, live rocks, tube worms, clams, and few more fishes. Again, after three days of setting up the tank, while being away from home, Toni called, panicking! The fishes are dying she said! Here we go again! Argh! Hurriedly I left work and went straight home. That night, we had to remove everything from the tank because there’s something poisoning the fishes and maybe the corals too. The clams are dead by that time. We also have to rush to a nearby marine shop to buy saltwater to replace the old stock laden with whatever is poisoning our livestock. That night, out of the 9 fishes in our tank, only 2 survived. All the clams died too. Fortunately, the corals survived the onslaught. This is getting really difficult and expensive, again, let’s charge this to experience.

The following morning, I searched the net for all the information I could find about reef keeping. I was eager to know what happened that night which almost wiped out my reef tank. Here’s what I learned:

1. Water parameter checking is highly important. Reef tank should mimic natural seawater where these creatures are naturally its inhabitants. One cannot stress the importance of checking and maintaining acceptable levels of calcium, pH, alkalinity, nitrates and phosphates. I bought a test kit and I now perform a periodic testing of my tank.

a. Calcium (400 - 420ppm) – if your level is below the normal range, there are supplements available in the market you can buy. Just add it to raise your level. If your value is too high, a water change can help but doing nothing won’t really hurt your livestock. Corals will naturally deplete the calcium in your tank as they need it for their growth.

b. Nitrates (0 ppm) – Having a value of 0 ppm in your tank could quite be challenging. Especially if you are also keeping fishes in your tank. Nitrates are introduced in your tank via the food and wastes generated by fishes. An excess in nitrates could promote excessive algae growth which makes your tank looks unpleasant. It helps to keep a protein skimmer in your tank to help remove various organic waste matter in your tank. Unfortunately, the tank I bought is not equipped with a skimmer. So I purchased one and installed it in my tank.

c. Phospates (0 ppm) – Up to this moment I haven’t still achieved that 0 level. I started with a value of 5 pmm and the last time I checked it has already gone down to 0.25 ppm, which is not bad. Hopefully within the next few days I’ll be able to eliminate it from my tank completely. I had to use an additive to precipitate the phosphorus in my tank. Though I think certain phosphate filters are a lot better but I don’t have much space in my tank to accommodate such filters.

I enjoy water testing. It brings me back to my laboratory subjects during college. I am a licensed chemist so water testing is just a walk in the park for me.

2. Corals and clams are more sensitive to sudden change in water parameters. That night, the clams died first. And when they die, they release toxins which could have poisoned the fishes as well.

3. During daytime, excessive evaporation occurs (water loss). At first I used salt water to make up for the loss. But after a while, I realized that if I keep adding saltwater to my tank to make up for the water loss, I will be increasing the salinity of my water. Salt does not evaporate. It stays in your tank. So to balance this, therefore I concluded that I should be adding a natural clean freshwater. But before doing so, I checked again the net, and wow, I was right! Only there is a precaution to use only distilled water so as not to introduce soil minerals that could affect the tank water parameter. Last week I bought a refractometer which allows me to test the salinity (level of salt) in my tank. Recommended level is at 1.020 to 1.025. By knowing your salinity level, you would know which to add should water loss occurs, saltwater or distilled freshwater so as to maintain acceptable salinity level in your tank.

4. Temperature and lighting is critical. I had to buy small custom fans for the tank. I wanted to get a chiller but damn, it’s as expensive as a new air conditioner. Well, so far the fans are doing its job in keep the tank cool. =)

5. The amount of stocks you keep in your tank is also crucial. You cannot overstock it like how we stock our cabinets with too much stuffs. There is a certain rule how much liverocks, corals and fishes you can keep depending on your tank size (volume).

It was too late for me to realize how tedious and complicated to keep a reef tank. Had I known all these things before I bought that tank, I would have probably passed on it. It would scare the sh*t out of me particularly knowing how big responsibility it is to keep the tank alive. I was forced in this situation, keeping and maintaining a reef tank. But after more than a month has passed, surprisingly I’m enjoying every tasks I have to do for it; testing the water, feeding the corals and fishes, adjusting the equipment settings, everything. I can say, I have no regrets at all. Coral and fishes as well as those little critters in the tank are so delicate and sensitive. Keeping them alive is what gives me pleasure. It is so challenging and I do love challenges. Not to mention the tons of things I’ve been learning about marine life. Having a bottle of beer while staring at those beautiful creatures is such a delightful experience for me. Hopefully before the year ends, I’d be able to upgrade from 15 gallons to 80 gallon tank. And I am already preparing for it, financially and in terms of knowledge and experience. And that would be another challenging experience I am looking forward to embark.

Here's how I want my 80 gallon tank to look like.

K Hole

The state of mind caused by taking large amounts of ketamine. the user becomes trapped in state of detatchment from their physical presence; the senses also become distorted, objects appear to move closer or further away resulting in the user's sight becoming fixed to one point, fearing looking away from that point as the distortions are disorientating and in the worst cases can cause nausea. the combination of these effects leave the user feeling trapped in a frozen state, as if stuck in a hole peering out; hence the expression 'K-Hole'. After experiencing the K-hole, users may feel enlightened or spiritually awakened. (Source: Urban Dictionary)

suddenly i was in a very bright room. too bright it was blinding. faces all familiar, smiling, laughing. then everything moved so slow…slower… till there was no movement at all. faces frozen, stuck with the smiles on their faces. "look at your arms, they're growing" someone said. as i looked at it, it grew in lengths and stretched away from me. then everything froze. it was like staring on an oil canvas. i am part of the canvas. i am one with the universe. then paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. confusion.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. voices: “relax. go with the flow. don’t fight it”. i screamed: deja vu! deja vu! deja vu!! paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. sadness.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. voices: “this is what life is. we are just part of the universe and its randomness. our fate and destiny has already been decided. WE MAKE NO CHOICES!” i replied: “if man makes no choices, therefore we have no free will to decide our own fate and destiny. and if man has no free will, what therefore is the purpose of god’s existence? god, therefore does not exist!” i wept and cried: “this is not real! this is not real!” paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. depression.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. glasses. flashes. familiar faces. voices: “relax. don’t fight it”. accept it”. i cried: “if god does not exist, therefore, i do not exist!”. paints melt. distortion. images blurry. images fade. darkness. i am now part of the darkness. just a voice. i do not exist. immense grief. desperation. deja vu.

flashes. colors. green. heavy dark green. brown. chairs. wooden floor. glass door. table. trance. familiar faces. i cried: “this could not be real! if i accept all these, i accept that my life has been insignificant, irrelevant. i cannot accept that my life is that of a leaf which has fallen from a tree, unnoticed, meaningless. i cannot accept this!” i screamed with all the strength left in my body: “i’m real! i’m real! i’m real!” paints melt. distortion. images blurry.

a chair! i need to grab on the chair. images fade. darkness. anguish. incensed! nausea! Deja vu!

i came back to reality weeping with a heavy heart. during the episodes of flashes, everything appeared to be predictable. i could still recognize the faces of my friends and everytime they would speak, I would know what they’re about to say. surprisingly, i can also predict how i would respond to them, probably the reason why I kept screaming “deja vu, deja vu!” it feels like I’ve been through all of it in the past. making me believe that all our actions are predetermined, not by our choices but by our fate. during the trance, scenes or flashes were repeated, giving me the impression that life is a cycle. we live, we perish and we live again. we are reincarnated not as another being but as ourselves. and everything we did in our past, will be repeated again in the future, in our next existence. but if everything repeats in the future, therefore, it seems man has no choice to make decisions of his own destiny.

after having dissected this experience it makes me realize how important “free will” is, which god has given to men, to all of us. we are all capable of making choices, what we want and what we don’t want for ourselves. Making choices is a great power and responsibility. how we make it defines our own destiny.


Note: This a re-post from my old blog dated February 13, 2007.

Semana Santa sa Puerto Galera (2003-2006)

Tuwing sumasapit ang Semana Santa ay nanariwa sa aking alaala ang mga panahong halos taon-taon ay tinutungo ko ang Puerto Galera. Taon-taon libo-libong tao ang dumaragsa sa lugar na ito. Nung una ko itong marating taong 2003 ay nadismaya ako sa lugar na ito. Mataas kasi ang aking inasahan rito. Puerto Galera, kay gandang pangalan. Akala ko ay mala-Boracay ito sa ganda. Subali’t ang nasilayan ko ay wala ni katiting sa aking inasahan. Ang buhangin ay mabato, masikip ang mga pasilyo, masyadong matao, mainit. Higit pa roon, ay ang mga abusadong may-ari ng mga resort na sobrang taas maningil kahit na ang itsura ng mga kwarto nila ay tulad lang ng mga motel dito sa Maynila. At kung maliligo ka sa dagat, kailangan mo mag-ingat at baka masagasaan ka ng mga bangkang maya’t maya ay dumaraong sa pampang. Bagama’t sa kabila nito, ay patuloy pa rin dinadagsa ang Puerto Galera.

Higit na nagpapaalab sa aking kuryusidad ay kung kailan nagsimula ang tradisyon na ang mga bakla ay gumagawi sa lugar na iyon tuwing sumasapit ang Semana Santa. At sa dinami-daming panahon upang magkatipon-tipon eh nataon pa sa Semana Santa. At sa kadahilanang ito, ang biruan nga ng mga tao eh ang Puerto Galera daw ay dapat ng tawaging Puerto Gamorrah. At kung lulubog nga daw ang isla, malamang ubos raw ang kabadingan sa kamaynilaan. Kung ang lugar lang ang pag-uusapan, hindi ko gusto at nanaisin pang bumalik sa Puerto Galera. Subali’t sa kabila nito, mula noong una kong pagkakatuntong sa lugar na iyon, muli ko itong binalik-balikan sa mga sumunod pang apat na taon. Hindi ang mga tanawin sa Puerto Galera ang naka-engganyo sa akin na balik-balikan ito. Ang mga bagay na nagaganap dito ang hinanap-hanap ko tuwing ako ay napapadpad sa Puerto Galera.

Biro nga ng isa kong kaibigan, para mo raw dinala ang Malate sa Mindoro. Tama nga naman, may alak, pareho ng musika ang tumutugtog, at pare-parehong mga mukha ang iyong mga makikita. Ang mga mukha ng mga taong makikita mo sa Malate, makikita mo rin sa Puerto Galera. Ang Semana Santa ay naging isang malawakang taunang pagtitipon ng mga bakla sa Puerto Galera. Nakakaaliw silang pagmasdan. Lahat may kani-kaniyang eksena. Pero higit na tumatawag sa aking atensyon ang pagbabagong makikita mo sa bawat isa sa kanila. Sa Puerto Galera, nawawala ang inhibisyon ng bawat nilalang.

Ganito ang karaniwang nagaganap sa aming magkakaibigan sa Puerto Galera. Sa pasimula ng gabi, kaming magkakaibagan ay pupwesto sa isang lugar malapit sa bar. Sa panahong ito ay marami kang kakilala na iyong makikita. Walang humpay na pakikipagtalastasan ang susunod na magaganap. Subalit paminsan-minsan sa pakikipag-usap mo sa kanila, ay hindi mo mawari kung tunay nga silang nakikinig sa iyo sapagka’t iyong mapapansin kung saan-saan napapadpad ang kanilang mga paningin. Habang nilulunod ng alak ang gabi, isa-isang nawawala ang aking mga kaibigan. Walang katiyakan kung babalik pa sila o kinabukasan na kami muling magkikita-kita. Palagi kong pinipiling manatili sa aking kinauupuan. Tamad kasi ako maglakad-lakad. Hindi ko rin kasi ninais tumungo sa batuhan o sa kweba dahil madilim ang mga lugar na iyon. Hindi mo malalaman kung si Bentot na ang humahaplos ng iyong katawan. Sa aking kinauupuan, pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat mukhang dumaraan sa aking harapan. Nanunuri, namimili. At sa pagdating nya, matiyaga kong hihintayin ang pagkakataong magtama ang aming mga mata. At sa pagkakatong ito, mauunawaan nya ang aking pagnanasa. At sa muling pagtama ng aming mga mata, nawawala ang ingay sa paligid. Di man bumigkas ng salita ang aming mga labi, ay may pagkakaunawaang nabubuo. Ang gabi ay muling bumabata. Isa na naman itong mapusok at mahabang gabi.

Kinabukasan sa aking pag gising, sari-saring kuwento ang aking naririnig mula sa aking mga kaibigan. Bawat isa ay may kani-kaniyang kuwento. At sa buong linggong pananatili namin sa Puerto Galera, ganito ng ganito ang mga kaganapan. Makalipas ang apat na taon, nakakasawa na, nakakapagod. Noong huli kong taong tumungo sa Galera noong 2006, habang kami ay lulan na ng bankang palayo sa isla, ay nasabi ko sa aking sarili na iyon na ang huling pagkakataon na babalik ako sa lugar na yaon. At mula nga noon ay hindi na ako nakabalik pa sa Puerto Galera. Ang mga alaalang iniwan sa akin ng Puerto Galera ay hindi ko malilimutan. Ito marahil ang dahilan sa tuwing sumasapit ang Semana Santa ay aking naalala ang Puerto Galera.

Photo credits:

1st photo: by Eugene Alvin Villar, 2006

2nd photo: camperspoint.com

3rd photo: http://en.wikipilipinas.org

Meeting the Icon: Imelda Marcos

If there is one political figure who will always fascinate me, it would be no one else than Imelda Marcos. An icon. Portrayed as the modern day Cinderella who later on, consumed with power, ironically, turned into an evil queen herself. The steel butterfly. A name which will be written and remembered forever in the annals of Philippine history.

My fascination with Imelda started when I was in grade school when our school right after the EDSA Revolution arranged a tour in Malacanang Palace. First thing I saw as I walk the stairs leading to the main hall that truly made an impression on me is the painting of Ferdinand and Imelda personified as Malakas and Maganda, a folklore said to have started the Filipino race. That was just the beginning. As we go further with our tour, the grandiose of Malacanang and her collection of perfumes, dresses and shoes totally overwhelmed me. Everything I saw truly fits for a queen. And yes, there was a tiara among the myriad of her jewelry collections. Tons of documentaries were made and shown on almost all television stations. The Marcoses were portrayed as the antagonist, the oppressors and of course, the Aquino’s, the heroes, our nation’s saviors. At such a young age, I grew up believing all those stories told about the Marcoses. I grew up hating them. I blame them for our bad economy. I blame them for every poor Filipino. I blame them for everything. Yet for some reason Imelda continues to fascinate me. Her beauty. Her style. Her taste. Her shoe collection. Her life story. Everything about her fascinates me.

A month ago, I received a surprise call from my friend. He told me that he was able to set up an appointment with Mrs. Marcos for me to meet her personally. He used to work for her as an apprentice while finishing his law school after Imelda returned to the Philippines. He now works as a lawyer for the government, at the Office of the Solicitor General. I never really thought he could pull out this one. I was dying to meet her. Who wouldn’t? I have two coffee table books about the Marcoses, one specifically created to chronicle her 10 day visit to China in 1978 and I would love for her to sign them.

Our appointment was at 3pm. We arrived at the Batasang Pambansa half an hour early. By 2:45pm, the personal aide of Mrs. Marcos arrived, welcomed and led us to a hall where a congressional hearing was taking place. When we entered the room, my attention naturally gravitated towards her. There she was, Imelda. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her given other notable personalities were also present. Among them were Gina de Venecia, Lani Mercado, Lucy Torres, and their guest Sec. Dinky Soliman who at that time was discussing to the legislators the Conditional Cash Transfer program of the Aquino administration implemented through her agency, the DSWD. We were ushered to our seat. As I was staring at her aged face, I tried as much as I could to remember everything I know about her. I tried to picture in my mind her beauty when she was young. Ah yes, beauty does fade with time but there’s still something in her that captivates me. At one point of the discussion, she was given the floor to speak. And she spoke about that time when she was still the First Lady. She told the story how the reclamation area in Manila came about. How she tried to address the concerns of the homeless and the plight of the poor people of Manila. She talked in lengths, enumerating the accomplishments of the Marcoses. To this time, Imelda is still living in her own realities.

And then the moment I’ve been waiting for came, time to be introduced to Mrs. Marcos. I was hoping to spend more time with her and make her tell stories during the days of the Marcos era. But that did not materialize for she had to go to the Plenary and her aides were rushing her to proceed immediately. I was briefly introduced to Imelda and had our picture taken. While shaking hands with her, I tried to feel the touch of her hands, tried to feel the magic that made even the strongest and wisest men bow to her. Until I realized, it was far beyond the limits of magic spell, it was her natural charisma. She’s indeed very charismatic. I could just imagine how many politicians swooned over her during her younger years, and that of course as we all know includes Ninoy. Imagine having all that charisma and beauty? She’s indeed Marcos lethal weapon. If I were an opposition at that time, I’d probably be like Perseus who’d kill her but would not attempt to look at her face frightened her stare might turn me into stone. Yes, the meeting was indeed brief but it was a date with history.

Her rise from her humble beginning to power is unremarkable. How she controlled Ferdinand Marcos was like watching Samson yielding to Delilah or Adam surrendering to the whims of Eve, or Julius Caesar to Cleopatra. All these great men fell because of women. Yes, Ferdinand was no exception. During the latter years of the Marcos era, about 3 or 5 years prior EDSA, Ferdinand was already weak debilitated by a kidney ailment. He can barely attend his cabinet meetings, much more pay attention to Imelda as she was running our country by herself. Imelda emerged as the government main public figure, unofficially, the 11th president of the republic. It was probably this reason why Enrile said in one of his interviews, “There would be no EDSA, if there’s no Imelda”.

My fascination does not however translate to admiration; allow me please to make such point. My fascination of Imelda did not blind me of the fact that indeed many Filipinos suffered during their time from oppression and abuse. Billions of dollars were ransacked from the coffers of our nation which could have provided livelihood to every hungry Filipinos. Her name may indeed be marked forever in our history but unfortunately not for the right and good reasons. However, history maybe unkind towards her but time will be forgiving. When Singapore gained its independence from Malaysia, it only took them 20 years to position themselves as one of the wealthiest in our region. Japan rehabilitated itself from the atomic bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima for only 15 years to be the number one economy in Asia. And yet after 25 years since EDSA, our economy has not really grown. We remain as an impoverished nation. Do we still blame the Marcoses for that? Every single president elected after EDSA was no different. Not one was spared from corruption scandals; one was even convicted of plunder. We continue to tolerate corruption, a disease that continues to weaken our democratic institutions and our economic gains. There is no one now to be blamed but us. For years, even to this moment, the Marcoses have become our scapegoat to excuse ourselves of our impotence to move this country forward. It’s time that we own up to our mistakes and responsibilities.